The Teenager

You’ve been one, you know one or you have one. And nothing  prepares you to raise one. Not your own life experiences, not lectures from your parents when you were fifteen, and certainly not a book. I wake up almost every day with a weight on my heart just heavy enough to remind me that there are two of these beautifully complicated creatures living in our home, snacking at all hours of the day and night, staring at screens of garbage,  knowing everything and hell bent on keeping those Snapchat streaks alive. God Himself entrusted my husband and I to raise them so we take it pretty seriously…I thank Him often for this most precious gift, usually through clenched teeth.

In emoji laced texts (girl with hand on face is my go to) and sometimes hilarious, sometimes heavy conversations with the other exhausted caregivers, it seems most of us are ill prepared to handle the attitudes and messy bedrooms and unchaperoned trips  and solo driving.  And I’m here to tell you why. Because you don’t know until you know.

You don’t know the worry, need to protect or constant shift of emotions until you are watching your 16 year old daughter carefully side step shifting land mines in the hallways of high school. You don’t know the enjoyment and equally paralyzing fear when your 14 year old son starts dating and playing football.  You don’t know the fury of words that will roll off of your darling tongue when you ask your big babies to clean that up or look at me when I’m talking to you or WHAT did you just say? You don’t know the pride that will well up in your heart when a teacher tells you they see your kids’ potential and knows they are going to grow up to be good humans. You just can’t possibly know that real, unconditional, heartbreaking don’t make me smack you take a bullet for you love until you are given this fragile package of parenthood, especially in the eye rolling ugggghhhhhh years.

Real talk? These years will break you if you don’t lean all the way in. Like dig deep, buckle up, go hard no holding back all the way in. They will for sure work every last nerve like they are getting paid for it and they will most definitely make you so incredibly proud you’ll ugly cry and full on embarrass them. You’ll find the balance. And on the days you just cannot, find chocolate or mindless television or exercise or even that spot where you cry it out (I shift between the car and the laundry room).

Learning and adjusting our parenting is necessary as they move from middle school to high school to whatever comes next. On any given day we could be killing it or blowing it…what it looks like today will change by next week. But there are a few things we try to keep in rotation in hopes they will understand that we were on their side all along. An excerpt from the Bailey Parenting Guide:

1. Tell them you love them everyday. Even when you don’t. I like to end a good lecture or a stern no with a but I love you.  Imagine their sweet faces (and stair stomping).
2. Apologize when you are wrong.  Because a time will come when you find yourself giving a 4 minute lecture over a lost sweatshirt and what you’re really mad about is a rude driver and cleaning up the mess of whatever your dog chewed up for the twelfth time. If you learn to apologize, they learn to apologize.
3. Pick your battles. Know when to show no mercy and when to give them a win.  If you are in their ear every single time they screw up, they are  going to shut you out and it’s really really hard to get them back.  Find the space between house arrest and do better next time.
4. Have ridiculously hard conversations.  Peer pressure is legit and it will make your lovely babies do really ugly things. The world is telling them at every click what they are supposed to look like, act like, grow up to be like. Your job is to filter  through all the noise, remind them of their worth and tell them the truth about drinking and drugs, controlling their hormones and consequences.
5. Laugh and listen. Laughing with my husband and kids is quite possibly the best part of my life. Do I love hearing about who the best wide receiver in the NFL is  going to be this year? Do I want to watch a YouTube video about a family buying new furniture and literally documenting every second? Not even a little bit. But you wouldn’t know it.

Just three days ago my daughter and I spent the best afternoon cleaning out her room and putting shelves together talking about anything and everything. The next morning a spoon flew in front of my face after a fun exchange of words about something I thought was very important and she thought was very stupid. As for my son, we are on a bit of a break while he works through the need to be right all of the time. He let’s me in every once in a while with a gigantic hug and small talk while I’m Ubering him around and making him food with cheese. See?…balance.

Love. Love.